07 September 2011

There Are Four Lights

There are four lights

For legal reasons, this story is pure fiction, totally made up.

Ten years ago on this day, 7 September 2001, I was accused of stealing a...I wanna say...laptop computer. When I say 'I or me', I totally mean someone else that I made up...because shit like this never happened.

Here is the made up story.  There was a personal laptop stolen from a work place.  For a week or two, no one knew what happened.  Security was scratching their heads trying to figure out who had taken the computer.  They questioned the people around.  It is normal to have your bags checked when leaving the building, but because of this incident, security was a little tighter than usual.  They had nothing.

It just happens that I was suppose to be sitting near where the computer was taken.  I say 'suppose to', because it was a shared office.  One of  my co-workers what out due to an injury, so I sat in his office, located about 150 feet away from the 'crime scene'.  I was working on his stuff anyway, and it just made sense to be where the action was and not occupy an office in another area.  Because of this relocation, I was never questioned about the laptop.

I also knew of the computer in question and the person that it belonged to.  I had a chance to actually look at the computer and asked the owner some questions about it.  I remember looking at the battery gauge on the bottom.  You press the button and the green lights light up to show you how much juice is left.  I remember feeling the weight of the computer, relatively light at the time.  Keep in mind that this was ten years ago and a titanium Macbook was all the rage.  You know me and my love for titanium.  Apple as since gone to a cheaper aluminum body.   I fucking love titanium.

So, the computer was taken.  Apparently, security was looking for me to question me.  Not that hard to find me, everyone in the area knows who and where I am (most of the time).  I work with a bunch of people, and within earshot of anyone in the group.  All you had to do was just yell out my name and I would respond, this is how most people in the area communicated even with email and phones.

Weeks later, one of the employees was going through some cabinets for some documents.  Guess what he found.  Yeah, the laptop with all the cables.  He called security, they came and did their investigation shit.  I happened to be around and they asked me to go with them.  What happened next was about two hours of questioning.  Fuck you!

I had no clue what was going on.  They brought me to their offices and had me in the waiting area.  This is where the bullshit starts.  One guy tried to be my friend with small talk and asking me personal questions, I will call him 'Hank'.  About 10-15 minutes later, another guy comes in.  This fucking cunt, let us call this douchebag 'Jaime', sits down and starts looking at my fingers, and writing down 'codes'.  Yeah, he was coding my finger print patterns.  So, by now I kinda figured out that I was a suspect in the case.  Funny, they had days to find and question me but did nothing.  Now that the computer was found by someone else not in security, they have to make like they are solving a case.

Later, I was brought into another room, some other cunt's office.  'Hank' was gone, I was in the office with 'Jamie' and head of security, this cunt I will call 'Bob'.  Both of which have a face that you want to fucking punch.  They first asked for my information.  'Jamie' was taking notes, I offered to write my info for him, but he douchingly said 'no, I will do it'.  What a fucking asshole.

Then, as if rehearsed while I was in the waiting area with 'Hank', some gopher walks in with some movie props.  I say movie props, but in their eyes, it was 'evidence'.  It was two little envelopes, about  3x4 inches...and it was marked with 'evidence', so you know that shit was real.  They made sure I saw it, but tried to 'hide' it...you know that move.  Hey fucknuts, I studied magic and slight of hand, I may not be Penn & Teller, but I know when you are trying to distract me. 

Long story short, they said they found prints on the computer...my prints.  Yeah, my prints were suppose to be in the evidence envelopes.  Uh, one douchebag looks as my fingers and you say that my prints are on the computer??? Keep in mind that I did touch the computer when I checked it out a few weeks earlier.  What sucks is, when an authority figure is question you, you are left with your guard down.  So, I was a bit nervous.  Are they hooking this shit on me?  What the fuck?  My words and explanations did not come out as smoothly as Matt Lauer reading the news.

I stumbled my words, and being bullied by 'Bob and Jaime' did not help the situation.  I explained my situation about sitting in another office, checking out the computer with the owner.  But you know how these cunts are.  They need to lay blame on someone, they need to let everyone know that they are doing their job.  They do not want people to know that they failed to solve the case. They do not want people to know that someone else found the missing computer.  They want to be heroes.

They asked if I had a computer at home. Duh, ten years ago people had personal computers, not that rare, you fucking idiot!  Of course, I had a shitty computer that was no where near as cool as a titanium laptop.  I am also a PC user, not much of a Mac guy. I do not see how having a computer has anything to do with this situation, anyway.  I also have a water heater.  Are you going to accuse me of stealing hot water from the coffee maker?

Oh, they also said that they found my prints on the cabinets where the computer was found.  Oh, you mean the fucking public cabinets in the fucking main hallway that anyone and everyone has gone through?  I find out later that they did not even dust the cabinets for prints.

Still four lights, cuntbag.

Anyway, the interrogation went on for about an hour and a half.  There was actually a point when I thought I did it, but like Jean-Luc Picard said, "There are four lights".  When they finally released me, they offered a ride back.  Yeah, go fuck yourself. I will walk and I will walk tall knowing that I did not do it and knowing that you are bunch of cunts.

The next Monday, I called my Human Resources representative and let them know what happened and made sure me name was cleared.  I find out that 'Bob and Jamie' contacted the local authorities only to have them say that since the computer never left the campus, there was no case.  Ha, fuck you! Yeah, you never solved the case.  You failed at your job and you fail at being a human.  Fuck you.

The theory is that someone hid the laptop, so he/she can retrieve it at a later time.  There are theories as to who hid the computer in the cabinet.  The guy I shared a cube with (until co-worker's injury) was fired because he had taken a product from someone's desk.  The product in question was found in has car during the tight security checks.  I guess he said it was a gift, but the product was reported missing and when a search was made, they found it.  It just happens that he went to the same school as I did, and working in the same group (different projects) at the time.  So I guess that also makes me a suspect...illogical logic at work.

Here is the kicker.  In his office, there were a few style guides...old style guides that would have been kept in the cabinets where the computer was eventually found by someone else other than security.  I want it known that security failed at locating the missing laptop.

Yeah, I still hold a grudge after ten years.  I have not seen 'Hank' since that day, I think he moved on.  Every time I see either 'Bob' or 'Jamie', I just want to upper cut their taint.  'Bob' retired, no doubt torturing others, perhaps molesting young children.  That cuntbag should have been fired.  On occasion, I see 'Jamie', I give him dirty looks and negative vibes.  I cannot believe this shithead still has a job.

I really have nothing against 'Hank', but I hope that 'Bob and Jamie' suffer in some way.  Their abuse of power and lack of respect is fucking bullshit.  Treating me like a criminal with no foundation of proof.  They tried to trick me into a confession to something I did not do, just so they can look good. I guess this abuse of power gets them off when they are not fisting little kids.

Again, this was totally made up, it never happened.  Everything from dates, names, situations...all fictional, molesting and fisting kids, probably true.

Yeah, what Picard said.

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